Tag Archives: conflict

I Can Only Change Me

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In the opening scene to The Office episode “the Return”, Andy Rurnard walks in after a sabbatical for anger management.  When he sees Jim (his co-worker) he asks Jim to call him Drew from now on. When Jim coldly tells Andy that he won’t be calling him Drew, Andy takes a deep breathe and reminds himself, as if back in counseling, “I can’t change you, I can only change me!”

When it comes to the work place I’m a firm believer in teaching others how to treat you, but this can only go so far, before master manipulating takes place.  When all is done on your end with healthy boundaries and honest communication in the work place reminding yourself that you can’t change people is a freeing thought.

As a woman in the work place this is a hard thought to grasp and/or just except in general.  Now I’m being very bold here and will use generalities which I normally hate but women have an up hill battle in the area of stereotypes.  There are many negative stereotypes linked with the female gender and when there is even the smallest demonstration of these characteristics the repercussions are quick and harsh.

Women in leadership are watched and judged on a much greater scale.  Is this far, no it’s not…but it’s reality.  So, as women we need to deal with it.  Women can’t always change how men view them, but we can stay professional and learn to detach.

Tomorrow’s post includes some practical ways to trouble shoot these situations and move forward.

Let the little things go

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Irritants, disagreements, different perspectives, optional calls… how you handle these types of items shows a big difference between young leaders and more mature leaders. When I was young in leadership  I couldn’t let the little things go. Some of this was due to my personality, some of it was due to my maturity, or lack there of. In leadership you need to focus on the big wins, the mission, the overall objectives. You will know you are growing when you find yourself wasting less time and energy battling on minor issues, subtle nuances of how something can be executed and small interpersonal disagreements. Keep your sights and your leadership focused on the major goals.

option 1: coaching

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It would have been very easy to be upset. After all, we had just paid too much for those poolside margaritas to come back as weak flavored water experiments. Our hope was some very cold and refreshing adult beverages to enjoy with our plunge into the pool on that hot day. In this early summer moment of frustration and disappointment I was witness to a very fine leadership skill put on display. Instead of fury, harsh rebuke or silent contempt, my uncle proceeded to invest a valuable fifteen minutes of his afternoon in coaching the young lad who was behind the bar. He wasn’t aggressive but personable. He wasn’t arrogant but rather experienced. He wasn’t hurried but instead showed genuine interest in the young person. The net result equalled a better blend of ice cold pool side liquid goodness AND an invaluable leadership lesson.    

Correction does NOT only come through conflict. I see it time and again with leaders developing young leaders. Course correction comes: 
1. after many mistakes have been made & ignored 
2. with an aggressive, adversarial or conflict oriented style
Consider a few corrections in your development of the people around you.
* See the person you are developing as someone who wants to learn & grow; assume the best about them.
* Don’t wait for mistakes or missteps to build up; address the situation or actions as soon as possible and as often as necessary.
* Use a coaching approach; think about your language, tone, posture, facial expression.

It really isn’t that hard to help someone else increase their performance when you see their shortcomings as coaching opportunities where, without arrogance, ego or attitude you approach it as an opportunity to develop them for success.